What Gottman Left Out

 I've been introduced to many "relationship" and "marriage" experts who claim to have the secret to fool-proof relationships.

They have all sorts of "research" and "statistics" to back up their claims that their system is the magic bullet to lasting relationship bliss.

But ... there has always been something missing.  Something always seemed to be not quite right.

I'm not saying that we should throw the baby out with the bathwater; they often touch on principles that are quite useful and do have a kernel of truth.

It's always bugged me when people will point to these works when someone is having relationship issues, and will be quick to quote a magic bullet-point or two about what will solve the issue, (but seem to be at the same time ignoring the elephant in the room as it were).

I haven't been able to put my finger on it -- until I ran into this gem.

Eureka!

What's missing is all these "relationship" experts are harping on #1 all day long, but seem to completely ignore #2 and #3.

I love Lewis' analogy of a fleet of ships.

You can go on and on all day long about how boats in the fleet shouldn't collide with one another, but until you go in and make sure the "control systems" of the boats are intact then you're just whistlin' Dixie.

So, before you go running to John Gottman's latest work to solve your relationship woe's - make sure your own engine is working properly, your helm is securely attached to the rudder, and you have your destination set.