What Gottman Left Out

 I've been introduced to many "relationship" and "marriage" experts who claim to have the secret to fool-proof relationships.

They have all sorts of "research" and "statistics" to back up their claims that their system is the magic bullet to lasting relationship bliss.

But ... there has always been something missing.  Something always seemed to be not quite right.

I'm not saying that we should throw the baby out with the bathwater; they often touch on principles that are quite useful and do have a kernel of truth.

It's always bugged me when people will point to these works when someone is having relationship issues, and will be quick to quote a magic bullet-point or two about what will solve the issue, (but seem to be at the same time ignoring the elephant in the room as it were).

I haven't been able to put my finger on it -- until I ran into this gem.

Eureka!

What's missing is all these "relationship" experts are harping on #1 all day long, but seem to completely ignore #2 and #3.

I love Lewis' analogy of a fleet of ships.

You can go on and on all day long about how boats in the fleet shouldn't collide with one another, but until you go in and make sure the "control systems" of the boats are intact then you're just whistlin' Dixie.

So, before you go running to John Gottman's latest work to solve your relationship woe's - make sure your own engine is working properly, your helm is securely attached to the rudder, and you have your destination set.

Wherever You Go ... There You Are

"Self-Acceptance" is another one of those phrases that has been corrupted and isolated from its adjacent and complementary truths.

Self-acceptance isn't about blithely saying "this-is-who-I-am-and-it's-the-way-I'm-always-going-to-be", (looks like you got that one wrong, Popeye...). It isn't about self-identifying with our weaknesses and shortcomings, or giving up on ever being able to change; it certainly isn't about defending our personal "foibles" and "protrusions of self".

Natural Man 101: Oute"r" Darkness vs "K"olob

It takes a bit of a investment in time, and he goes about it from a bit of a more secular / morally relativistic perspective, but prepare to have your Natural Man take center stage...


Part 1: (Lays the ground work)





Part 2: (It gets a little foreboding around the 45 minute mark)



Part 3: The nitty-gritty of the mindsets and how these express themselves in our modern day




Pop Quiz: Lucifer is and wants us to be type "___ selective".

The Devil is a Liberal Progressive

The Devil is a liberal progressive, (read "socialist"). Think about it...

- Promises a "perfect" utopian society
- Promises equality of experience and outcome across all genders ("identified" or otherwise), ages, races, and sexual orientations
- Guarantees there will be no possibility of failure for the individual or the party
- Promises to get rid of all pain, suffering, and unpleasant emotions
- Believes you have the right to feel good, do whatever you like, and be happy right now without anything or anyone getting in your way
- Promises free stuff without having to pay for it or without any accountability or consequences
- Wants to do away with individual ownership of property or means of production
- Proposes bigger government controls to make people do the "right thing"
- Wants to do away with the unbalanced messiness of a Free (Agency) Market; everyone is guaranteed their "fair share" and there will be no "injustice"
- Wants to create a government run (Spiritual) Healthcare System, (see his proposed "Tower of Babel" solution)
- Everyone will have the same opportunity to be educated (by his party's specially selected "curriculum")
- Wants his plan to be put in place by a democratic process (which, ironically, removes all individual voting power soon after you join his "party")
- Tells us our "rights" are not universal, fixed, or bestowed from on high;  they are an ever expanding list of things we "deserve" based on our circumstances, our "passions", our desires, our moods, our feelings, our positions of prominence, our list of letters and periods following our name on our business cards, our "good ideas", someone else's "good ideas", what someone else has, what someone else did to us, what someone else promises us (to get elected), what someone did to someone else a long long time ago, or what the latest behavioral "expert" / scientific theory / pseudo-scientific urban legend / best selling book / magazine article / blogger says we "need" to be happy
- Only asks a small allowance be given to him to run and administer his plan (I.e. all the power and glory be his)
- His plan will only work if everyone joins it, so he and his followers are still actively trying to recruit everyone through literature, debate, social media, advertisements, flyers, rallies, word-of-mouth, and even sometimes face-to-face meetings with influential individuals who may be "on the fence"; he won't stop until everyone is "part of the system"

 (And how's that working out for him or those who choose to go along with it?)

"The Gods of Wisdom And Virtue" (Kipling / Whittle)

"The Gods of Wisdom And Virtue" (an adaptation of Rudyard Kipling's "The Gods of the Copybook Headings" by Bill Whittle):

As I pass through my reincarnations, in every age I vow
To make my proper prostrations to the gods of the here and the now.
Peering through reverent fingers, I watch them flourish and fall,
And the Gods of Wisdom and Virtue I notice always outlast them all.

We were living in trees when they met us, they showed us each in turn
That water will certainly wet us, as fire would certainly burn:
But we found them lacking in uplift, vision, and breadth of mind,
So we left them to teach the gorillas, while we followed the march of mankind. 

We moved as their Spirits listed, we never knew why or how, 
Being neither cloud nor wind-borne like the Gods of the Here and the Now;
But they always caught up with our progress, and presently word would come
That a tribe had been wiped off its icefield, or the lights had gone out in Rome.

With the Hopes that our World is built on they were utterly out to sea,
They denied that wealth could be printed, they denied that lunches were free; 
They denied that Wishes were Horses; they denied that a Pig had Wings;
So we worshipped the Gods of the Here and the Now who promised these beautiful things.

When the Cambrian measures were forming, They promised perpetual peace.
They swore, if we gave them our weapons, that the wars of the tribes would cease.
But when we disarmed, they sold us and delivered us bound to our foe,
And the Gods of Wisdom and Virtue said: "Stick to the Devil you know."

On the first Jurastic Sandstones we were promised the Fuller Life
(Which started by loving our neighbour and ended by loving his wife)
Till our women had no more children and the men lost reason and faith,
And the Gods of Wisdom and Virtue said: "The Wages of Sin is Death."

In the Carboniferous Epoch we were promised abundance for all,
By robbing selected Peter to pay for collective Paul;
But, though we had plenty of money, there was nothing our money could buy,
And the Gods of Wisdom and Virtue said: "If you don't work, you die."

Then the Gods of the Here and Now tumbled, and their smooth-tongued wizards withdrew
And the hearts of the meanest were humbled and began to believe it was true
That All is not Gold that Glitters, and Two plus Two make Four
And the Gods of Wisdom and Virtue limped up to explain it once more.

As it will be in the future, it was at the birth of Man
There are only four things certain since Social Progress began.
That the Dog returns to his Vomit and the Sow returns to her Mire,

And the burnt Fool's bandaged finger goes wabbling back to the Fire;

And after all this is accomplished, and the brave new world begins

When all men are paid for existing and no man must pay for his sins,

As surely as Water will wet us, as surely as Fire will burn,

The Gods of Wisdom and Virtue with terror and slaughter return!

(Mr. Whittle continues:)

"You know, America was home to the Gods of Wisdom and Virtue for most of its existence. If we abandon them further, they will return with terror and slaughter, and yet they’re not cruel Gods, they’re simply Gods of Justice. They are in fact, the Gods of cause and effect. By following their example, the Gods of Wisdom and Virtue have given all of this, all this wealth, all this security, and all this luxury. All they ask of us was a little wisdom, and a little virtue, a little common sense here, a little good behavior over there. But, we’ve been crashing on their couches, and bumming rides from these Gods for a long, long time now, and I really am afraid that the Gods of Wisdom and Virtue have had enough, and now, they want their stuff back."