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Naturally, we want our own marriages to succeed, so we turn to books and theories about relationships between spouses—books on marital communication, physical satisfaction, child-rearing methods, and family activities. Yet, as I have worked with couples, I have observed that individual preparation is necessary before interaction between spouses can be truly effective. This personal preparation results in what I call emotional integrity.
Emotional integrity is the personal achievement of emotional strength, discipline, and completeness that remains constant no matter what others say or do. It includes both a control of emotions and an honest acknowledgement of them—pleasant or unpleasant.
When we achieve emotional integrity, we are steady, consistent, and resilient. Our actions are not determined by the actions of our companions. We are emotionally resilient within ourselves, more enjoyable to live with, and easier to communicate with. We have put our own emotional “houses” in order and are thereby prepared for effective communication with others.
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An ability to feel secure and confident in our abilities and in the direction of our lives is a must in marriage. Yet too often we undermine ourselves by judging ourselves harshly or by comparing ourselves with others. We often allow our feelings of self-worth to be challenged by the standards of the worldly. For example, a feeling of worth based on adherence to principles of the gospel—kindness, warmth, and faithfulness—is often undermined by a culture that celebrates winning rather than participating, wealth rather than thrift, fame rather than honor, and status rather than service.
Each of us is a child of God, with unique traits, talents, and abilities. Our worth is inherent. While others can help us recognize our God-given gifts, they cannot give us self-esteem.
We must cultivate our own self-esteem. We must learn to recognize our good qualities and work at overcoming our weaknesses without constantly berating ourselves.
Service is always an essential part of developing self-esteem. Narrow, self-centered obsession with perfection can become an emotional disability. But when we consciously and reasonably set out to sharpen and polish a talent in an effort to serve God and others, we begin to feel good about ourselves.
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Many of us have old hurts—emotional wounds—from past relationships. Emotional wounds have various origins—a childhood home that was unsettled or even violent, unsatisfactory peer relations, a transient family that left us feeling rootless, or failure to achieve some of our goals and dreams. Whatever the source, many of us allow these unhealed wounds to continue hurting us.
Too often we expect our spouse to heal our wounds for us. This is neither logical nor practical.
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The Savior said, “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.” But perfection is difficult to achieve, and often takes a lifetime—or more—to attain.
Some people give up and turn to immoral pleasures.
Some strive for perfection in an area in which they are gifted and become obsessed with career, intellectual growth, civic service, or material acquisition.
Others despair of ever being perfect, yet press on dutifully—and miserably.
Still others adopt a harsh view, stressing the letter of the law like their philosophical ancestors, the Pharisees.
But we should not be discouraged by the Savior’s admonition to be perfect. God truly loves us. We are his children. His Son came to earth to sacrifice himself for our sins that we might have joy and return to our Father in Heaven. The perfection expected of us is a lifelong effort of patience, growth, observance of law, and reliance on the redeeming mercy of a loving Father and Son.
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Christ’s mortal experiences demonstrate an integrity that remained unchanged even when he was left without spiritual comfort and cried, “Why hast thou forsaken me?”
His perfection ought not discourage us. Rather, we should be encouraged that he knows, perfectly well, what we are going through. Obedience to his laws helps us gain mastery of our emotions, and we, in so doing, are able more fully to express and receive love.
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